PLAYERS VIEW

Lee F
With the control of a german gymnast with glue on his boots Lee has excellent ball skills that would grace any back yard. He can play 1-2's like a compare's sound test on a saturday night down the phoenix. His low sense of gravity is useful, though he has not found any use for it yet. He has unwavering determination and drive to be a winner... if anyone manages to tackle him, they better give that pig gut some leather - and quick! There really is no substitute for this lad, epecially not last season (there were no subs at all).
hav it.


Mike O.
Like a cross between Michael Owen and Norman Whiteside (if that's possible), Mike likes to show the opposition both a clean pair of heels and the imprint of his studs.
Brought up on a diet of QUINCE jam on toast, Mike sees his footballing strengths as his speed, touch, passing, heading, shooting, attitude, stamina, crossing, tackling, control, vision, skill and strength.
In opposition, he sniffs out the ball like an AARDVARK procuring ants. And once in possession he won't SURRENDER it easily.
Loves getting the ball and is especially OBSEQUIOUS to anyone who passes early to feet.
Bat!


Richard M
Richard is a cushty charver when tha crack is footy, a crackin' player tha' deeks flash wid a tidy dish. Richard meks tha mots cream their grotts like eh.
'e nashes roond after 'avin a deekabou' in the middle o' the park mekin raj players fre other side cowp ower like eh.
The other foily chores can't nash as fas', (except Rob) neither can they lowp ower tackles like a 'raj gazelle' lowpin ower yats in the Serengetti.
Richard meks nee maffs an' shans the opposition an' can doss even after suppin peeve.
As refreshin' as a cup o' parney like eh.
As tough as a coddie an' 'e can't 'alf clou' the ba'.
In summary, the charver's bari like eh..

NB For a translation please visit
http://www.gonmad.demon.co.uk/cumbria/


Gavin R
Has played more games for HPTFC than any other player.
Despite joining the club as a 10 goal a season man left midfielder, Gavin made the mistake of playing left-back one week when young Danny (remember him Chund?) was injured.
Has been there ever since. Used to be fast. Used to have the longest throw.
Has worn the number 10 ever since HPTFC first had numbers on their shirts. In his 10th season, it's finally relevant.


Cocker
first impressions from watching this superbly gifted individual, range from - 'which premier league team is he on loan from', to ' why the hell is someone so good playing for you lot'
Sadly injury robbed the player from most of last season, but this has only ensured he has come back hungrier and fitter than ever. Definite man to watch for the season.


Barry
Best left foot, Best header, Biggest mouth, tireless, nuff said.


Gordon
The newest member of the squad and definitely the keenest. Not the paciestdefender in the world but quicker than he was when he was eighteen and ahalf stones of blubber. He can run all day (just like Forrest Gump). Hisfootballing ability is not something he likes to boast about, mainlybecause he's Scottish so people know he's sh!t, but also because there'snot much to boast about. Gordon brings a very fit pair of legs (accordingto the ladies) to the back line and can be relied upon to get the team outof some sticky situations. Can also stick a fairly decent ball in from the right. Does what he's told and likes beer.


Milesy
Not a position he's not prepared to play in.....missionary, doggie and er...that other one.
Enjoys cleaning up in and around the box after his team mates mess. Better at handling the 30yrd 'Semen'esque lobs from the opposition.
Known as Milsey which happens to be an anagram of Smiley (especially a few years ago) and also Slimey (just recently) he has one of the real footballers names left in the team!
That's about it. No skill just get it done. Get down Brewers for a mixed grill.


Inyang
WHO DA MAN?
He's got supa ball skills, excellent dribbling and an amazing first touch, and thats just on the dance floor!
One of the famed usual suspects, and to be fair, a top bloke who's always mad for it. He's a firm favorite on the terraces (and parsons green) due to his fancy footwork, unrivaled vision and in the hole exploits!
He's even popular in America...
www.inyang.com .


Rob (aka Tel)
This lovable brummie lad is in his 4th season with the 'Purple Army'. A self-confessed ladies man with the eye of a tiger and up for a thrill in the night.
He's lifted many a trophy in his illustrious career and even worn a few on his head - its all its used for!!!
A pacy right sided player with a sweet right foot. Its been touted that he has the speed of Mick Mills and the wit and charm of Bob Monkhouse - he even has his all year round tan!!!
A real fans favourite he should feature prominently in this campaign withoutthe managerialdistractions of 2001-02.
He can currently be seen performing on stage at the Caxton Youth Cente,Grimsby with Keith Harris, is being rumoured to star in Panto as Buttons at Christmas
Dave
First full season for the Thursdays stopper.
Though "short for a keeper", his Shay Given / Fabien Bartez acrobatics (and similar erratic distribution) keeps the opposition at bay. The (usually) mild-mannered number one has returned to the squad lean, fit and tanned. 
Speculation about a life-threatening illness has been dismissed but there are new rumours of an investigation into the player by the fashion-police.

p.s. Now-single. Good with his hands. Dribbles less than mates. Will be attempting to keep clean-sheets this year.


Al
Alan (known as Buddles, Abdul Sandle or Twickers HQ)
Although the oldest (just) slowest (probably) and poshest (without doubt)player in the squad, Alan manages to play in the centre of defence byvirtue of excellent timing and concentration, bone shattering tackling (if he can get near the opposition) and an innate ability to irritate the opposition forwards like a latter day Benito Mussolini addressing a meeting of the Young Liberal Democrats.

Occasionally ventures over the half way line (much to the amusement of both team members and opposition) where his rumbling charge is a kin to a mad rhinoceros astride a unicycle - slow and ponderous but impossible to stop.